F’n Problems

FEAR.  Fear has been eating me up alive recently, which is to say I have been cowardly sitting, if not in my bed, wasting away hours upon hours, days upon days, of depression, despair and other hardly bearable states.  I hate this.  I realize I have a terrible lack of adaptability – in other words, I cannot easily adjust to the fact that I am in such a state, there are external circumstances that I have a lot of trouble accepting, I am lost and confused – and most concerning, I do not seem to have the drive to seek answers or even to question why I am this way.  I know I am “depressed” but I am tired of such an unsatisfactory answer.  I take medications, but they do not seem to work too well.  I have ben incredibly negative, yet somewhere deep within there is a will to survive.  I guess I am still in my “survival state” where I just want to be comfortable, even though this is a futile effort.  I am not doing much of anything, which is at once tempting yet hindering.  I fear the self loathing and awfully low energy levels is so obvious to others I desire to hide and suffer silently.

My mind is lost somewhere in my subconscious, which disturbs me to no end.  I am wondering what that is exactly, whether it be the drugs I take, the depression itself, both or who knows what else.

I regret “losing touch” with the WordPress world, as I have found comments helpful before so maybe writing on this can help me again.



3 thoughts on “F’n Problems”

  1. Hi Paul – It saddens me to read your post. That’s a lot to deal with. If the medication isn’t working, have you tried going to the source of the issue? Mental instability and hormone imbalance are both ultimately caused the double whammy of toxin overload and lack of absorption of essential nutrients. If you haven’t tried it already, I would highly recommend switching to a pure foods eating regimen. Fresh, organic, uncompromised, living foods. It takes some work and it’s not the most convenient way to eat, and it takes time to regain balance, I know this from experience, but it is so worth it when it works. Right now you likely don’t have the motivation, but for everything in life, one step at a time is the surest route. Take one tiny step towards nourishing your body and your soul today. Then take another tomorrow. I’ll be pulling for you. Carie (Lane is my posting name)


    1. Thanks for the comment Carie. I have wondered about working on my diet in the past. A complete change would not be sustainable right now, but I do think eating cleaner is a good idea. Lacking motivation is a real killer. I have read about Paleo lifestyle and even vegananism, but I am not sure what is feasible at the moment.

      Thanks again for the comment.



      1. You’re welcome. Just a final note, I found “fad” diets like paleo and the like to be too complicated as well. Just eat real food. Farmers markets are often inexpensive and coming into spring will have everything you need. Meats and real sourdough breads included. And like I said. Step by step. Eliminate a food that isn’t serving you today, add one that will serve you tomorrow. You can do it. I know you can. Carie


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