FEAR. Fear has been eating me up alive recently, which is to say I have been cowardly sitting, if not in my bed, wasting away hours upon hours, days upon days, of depression, despair and other hardly bearable states. I hate this. I realize I have a terrible lack of adaptability – in other words, I cannot easily adjust to the fact that I am in such a state, there are external circumstances that I have a lot of trouble accepting, I am lost and confused – and most concerning, I do not seem to have the drive to seek answers or even to question why I am this way. I know I am “depressed” but I am tired of such an unsatisfactory answer. I take medications, but they do not seem to work too well. I have ben incredibly negative, yet somewhere deep within there is a will to survive. I guess I am still in my “survival state” where I just want to be comfortable, even though this is a futile effort. I am not doing much of anything, which is at once tempting yet hindering. I fear the self loathing and awfully low energy levels is so obvious to others I desire to hide and suffer silently.
My mind is lost somewhere in my subconscious, which disturbs me to no end. I am wondering what that is exactly, whether it be the drugs I take, the depression itself, both or who knows what else.
I regret “losing touch” with the WordPress world, as I have found comments helpful before so maybe writing on this can help me again.