It is not the situation of physically being alone that causes my sense of loneliness, no – not at all. It is FEELING alone in this Universe that bothers me. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I am feeling depressed over this, but I cannot rule that out completely either. Nor is this feeling irrational or unjustified. And it is not the fact that I am “single” that bothers me so much either. It is the utter sense of being an unique Being with all my fears and reservations, and unanswered questions…yes…that is more like it. I am attempting to exist in an absurd world…and while on “psychiatric medication” that certainly does not HELP a damn thing. Actually, these “medications” are quite harmful and there is substantial evidence that they even tend to shorten your life span – yes I jumped right to the chase.
So I am not trying to make it seem like my quest of understanding is more honorable since the psychoactive medication take away from my Humaneness and Aliveness, and so forth and so on, but that shit sure doesn’t make things any more clear. These past few years have largely (although I cannot say TOTALLY) been a “bad trip.” And not in a recreational, fun, social, sexy kinda sense. More like a terrible propaganda campaign in which some assholes in the backroom are profiting off of my misery. “Mental health….”
So yeah, its like attempting to see the world through severely fogged glasses and less than perfect vision to begin with. In short, its fucked up, excuse my French.
And being alone nearly all the time certainly does not help any of this, so I sit with it all day. Sure there may be some welcome distractions throughout the day, but not many. Even if there were more, I do not wish to be distracted. I want to know the truth, see the fact of the matter and return to a fully alive reality. In other words I wish nothing more than to regain my humaneness. Is that too much to ask?
Not that I am really asking you or anybody but myself that question, since I know the answer.
Alone and lonely, okay fine…for now…things will change!! But until then, or maybe until I make the situation change, I am stuck with these unwelcome but perhaps necessary feelings? I don’t know…nothing that I cannot survive though, that’s for sure. I just want to be off these pills and get on with my life. Then we can start the conversation about reforming the mental sick-care, oh I mean healthcare, paradigm.
A severely dissatisfied (mental heatlh) “patient” named Paul