Must. Get. Away.
This is the conclusion I have come to many a time. But now, or at least soon, will be the time where I will take the next step and actually GO…somewhere that is other than here. Destination Unknown, or more likely TBA. All I know is that I am leaving, and soon. The where is almost secondary to the primary of taking my first physical step out into the “real” world away from “home” as in the proximity of my family and albeit few, friends. And I cannot wait!!
This is not to say I feel excited, no, not at all really. I mean I am but I am not. This is sort of inevitable – although quite a bit delayed. Everyone must leave the nest at some point. Hopefully before death. As for me, I feel as though I may have been dead for awhile, but this is not going to stop me from doing what I must. There is much GOOD to come from leaving home, in so many ways I see this as beneficial, in addition to its necessity. Of course, my parents are not kicking me out, I am electing to leave, but I feel this is needed nonetheless.
If for nothing else, moving away and moving on, is necessary for my well-being, my health and my life at large. I need to start out on my own, away from the people that care about me most, wherein I can learn to care about me most. You see? I recognize I am not running away from any problems, but rather, I will be forced to confront whatever follows me as well as new ones that arise. I have not one issue with this, I am being realistic and foresee personal problems possibly haunting me despite moving to another location, with new faces, etc.
This very process of moving out and moving on very well may be key to my healing. I am about to turn 22 years old, and I feel every bit of it in the sense that I am a delayed 18 year old kid whose been buying time to get his shit together enough to move on. That kind of sums it all up right there. However, my shit is still nowhere near altogether, I am just “doing well” while feeling numb and therefore am “good enough.”
But see, I have a major problem with this “good enough” idea because, quite frankly, it is bullshit. I do not settle, especially on something so grand and fundamental as the quality of my own life, my existence. I will not be satisfied, nor complacent. That all being said, I have been in contact with a center in New York City that will – hopefully – be the catalyst to withdrawing from my medications and re-entering life, fully, perhaps as never before. Well, likely as never before since I am much older from the time when I was last feeling well and medication free. A real fucking long time. But not to dwell here…
Anyway, step one in this transition, this transformation, is to get off the damn drugs, detoxify and reenter, regain/attain life once again. That is the primary objective, and anything and everything that comes after that is secondary. This is the biggest change I will have ever made in my entire life. And all for the better!
Assuming I am drug free and well a few months from now – time is secondary, whatever it takes – I can continue pursuing the rest of my life. Yes this is bold, to some maybe even foolish, but to me this must and therefore will be done. Mark my words, this will be done.
More to come…