Alone, again.


Once again I find myself attempting to pass the time alone.  I cannot even enjoy my thoughts as they are far lost somewhere beneath my realm of consciousness if there at all.  Well of course thoughts are there, but I am not acquainted with them.  Thanks medication, thanks depression, thanks so much.

I do not even have tears to cry anymore, nor do I have a reliable friend whom I could count on to have their shoulder to weep on no matter what time of day or night.  Yes, I live alone, which is hardly living at all.  I mean, I live with my parents, I have a few friends, but I am oh so alone.  Humans are social beings, and its not that I am anti-social, but rather, I just do not have people to talk with.

Yeah, sorry this is kinda lame, sad but whatever, its true.  Part of the reason for making this here blog was to let things out, so that is precisely what I am doing – sorry I do not have a friend to do this personally with.  Honestly, at times it seems I talk more to people virtually than in person.  Not good!

But why?  Why am I alone?  Maybe because I am not the most outgoing person in the world, but I talk, I am friendly, I try to make conversation, and so forth and so on.  I just do not get it.

And this is really lame, but it seems I have just lost another friend, whom I really liked.  She deleted what I tried to say to her online nor does she answer my calls so – I guess that is that.

Sorry for the sob story,

-Paul

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14 thoughts on “Alone, again.”

  1. Sorry you feel like this Paul. Depression is a healing tool, though it really feels as if it is quite the opposite. Your thoughts are going to the idea of socializing and what it means to be there. If you’re without friends and in solitude, then it is precisely where you need to be. Perhaps you could make out a list of what you want in a friend, all the things that friends share, for instance, and ask yourself if you have those qualities yourself. To have love, we have to be love. To have respect, we have to be respectful of others. I’ve said it many times to others, what we yearn for, we are looking for in ourselves first. Use your solitude to begin discovering what you are not, and ask yourself what needs to change and how it can change. What is it that you have to do differently. Depression takes us to a place where we must contemplate change. So use it to change. Lots of love to you Paul. Your online friends are here for you. You aren’t alone at all. Yaz

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  2. Don’t give up. There is always hope and know you are not alone.
    I do want to thank you for following my blog. I hope some of my words can increase your joy and help you through this journey.
    Peace,
    Alexandria

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  3. Paul,

    It is a sad fact of life: when people detect depression in themselves or, above all, in someone else,
    they kind of flee like sparrows. People are usually afraid of introspection. Depression forces us all to look for answers inward… to contemplate – pure and simple – inner reality.

    I recognize myself in your words – feeling alone, not having people to talk with. It is true in my case as well: we seem to have more virtual friends, than mates in our very proximity.

    What is vital to know is that basically depression is – among other things – the outcome of isolation.
    We try to compensate isolation through contact with others… It does never work.

    We have to go down into the feeling of isolation, and examine the very nature of it…Not easy though – when you are isolated, whatever you do creates even more isolation.

    So what is this isolation about? Can we look at it…? Can we stay with it without trying to flee into conversations…or whatever other ways of escape…?

    As long as we don´t direct confront ourselves we will suffer from a constant feeling of lonliness and loss,
    that is not going to be healed other than our readiness to find out…

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    1. Julien,

      I would not say I am attempting to flee., at least not from the depression aspect. I may desire to flee from the isolation, but I always kind of thought spending time with others was the answer. You raise an interesting thought though, and one I cannot dismiss.

      My main problem is my inability to think and feel making introspection quite challenging if at all possible. I literally experience a blank slate type of feeling at all times, both mentally and emotionally.

      However, I do seem to recognize the possibility of truth in your words.

      Maybe isolation is more of some sort of fear towards one’s Being, fear towards oneself.

      I want to spend some time on your questions though, but I do think you are to onto something here.

      Thank you!

      -Paul

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      1. Spending time with others can be an answer – provided that these “others” are willing and “intuned” to HONEST PARTICIPATION. For the most part, they are not…

        As long as we try to fill isolation through others, we´ll encounter even more disappointment. It´s quite clear: everybody tries hardly to escape isolation, and not really interested to dig to the root of the problem.

        You say:
        “I literally experience a blank slate type of feeling at all times, both mentally and emotionally.”

        This state of yours, is the “legacy” of this present age: an obsessive and inane attempt to do away with Thought and Feeling. You are a partaker in the Present Drama. And the story of modernity is Absence…

        Isolation is basically separation from Being. Fear is in fact, proclaimed separation.

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      2. I was never like this until I was medicated though therefore I think for my case, the medication has a lot to do with it.

        I do want to get to the root of the problem, and I agree strongly that I cannot rely upon others to do it for me.

        Thanks for the comment.

        Best,

        -Paul

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  4. Try to find your inner center. Try to grasp the whole situation from a larger persepective – as I said earlier, your problem is not merely your problem – IT IS EVERYBODY´S PROBLEM but most of the people to escape from it…

    Thanks God you can´t…meaning that you have to dig and dig and dig again…Depression – once you use its force -, can be exactly the blessing in disguise, the reason which forces you to establish a real contact with Self.

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      1. Ha – very true “you can’t escape it!”

        For me though, this true Self is hard to find! I am not even so sure what it Is although I feel like I (should) already know.

        Best,

        -Paul

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      2. Now – if I said that the true Self is there all the time, for sure, that would sound preposterous, above all on those moments when you feel nothing but pain and inner despondency.

        So Self is shining, but we don´t perceive it, due to our
        inner blockages. These blockages derive always from the illusion of separation, separation which has been yielded to us through the mother´s milk.

        This present civilization lives in the shadow of the greatest illusion: separation, isolation and alienation from Self…I said that before – you couldn´t possibly be depressed if the civilization was “sane”. It is highly diseased.
        Now…
        I know that you know deep down of the existence of Self… – otherwise you wouldn´t have this present correspondence with me 🙂

        I think – and I am not trying to please you – that you are a gifted young man with lots of potential 😉

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      3. Wow, thank you so much for such kind words, Julien. I am just, as my name suggests, seeking for truth – including Truths of a higher, more spiritual nature. I trust in that you can assist in guiding me through my journey.

        Although we have never shook hands, our conversations mean a lot to me, and I can only hope they are to continue and progress. Thank you for all of your words, they mean a lot.

        Best,

        -Paul

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      4. “Only the truth will set you set you free”

        I am aware that this has unfortunately become like the most common cliché, but only Truch opens the right door to healing and real life.

        We kind of assist each other in this life journey.

        We create mirrors…where real encounters and dialogue can unravel…I am glad you take in my words.

        You are most welcome

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      5. Well cliche as it may be, I also happen to deeply agree with it!

        Yes we all ought to assist each other on this journey of life.

        Let our discussions progress and continue to develop!

        Best,

        -Paul

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