Final day of summer


Here today I just want to reflect on my summer that is about to come to a conclusion as college resumes tomorrow.  Therefore, Summer 2012 as far as I am concerned will be ending tonight.  Because of this, I figured today – here and now – would be a good time to simply throw out some thoughts on this past summer on what happened or perhaps more significantly what did NOT happen.

Overall, this summer was really quite uneventful.  Granted I went to two cool concerts and without neglecting the good times I have had with the (few) good friends I have as late, but there was nothing all that extraordinary.  But whatever I am not going to dwell on negative generalities.  Basically, my point is that this was not the best of summers – which is not to say every moment was bad, but rather just that it lacked, well, greatness!  I am unsure how else to put it.  I am also surely grateful for the few friends I do have, namely Tara and Sirius.

I just have seem to have fallen off the curve of every summer being somewhat greater than the last.  That trend sort of stopped years ago in high school.  But again, I am not going to dwell here and now; time to move on to more important things.

This summer I lost 2 jobs, realized I lost all of my high school friends, realized I do not have many friends at all, saw how alone I was and still am, and well, knowing I, my self, am still lost.  I am lost in a Pandora’s box of hidden emotions, black holes, toxic medications and without a whole lot of support besides what I can conjure up for myself.

But really though, on the one hand its like, no wonder I am miserable, almost completely friendless and not all the fun to be around.  On the other though, I am on so much damn medication its amazing I am even able to function as I do.  I also realize, simply eliminating the medication aspect will not be the complete answer I am yearning for but this process will definitely help things out, especially in the long run.  And I  am in it for the long run.  I also strongly believe eliminating the drugs will allow me to more fully seek out the answers I am looking for.  In other words, recovery will truly be possible upon withdrawal.  And that is exactly what I am looking for.

Back to this past summer though, it was generally disappointing and rather lame.  I just did not do a whole lot.

Perhaps this is good though, at least in some ways, for it will make my journey to well being that much sweeter.  This next year, Spring and Summer 2013 especially, may just be the best time of my life.  And well deserved as such if I do say so myself.

So what did I want to do anyway?  Well, even though I do not put much value on this, I would have liked to earn some money instead of losing it.  More importantly, I would have liked to have gone on a vacation or road trip with friends – that would have been really nice.  Above all, I just would have liked to make some good memories with the people I may no longer see after the conclusion of this Fall.

On a side note, I finally got to spent some time with one of the most amazing people I have ever met, H.S.  If I believed in God, I would thank him for it!  But really, I wish I did have someone to thank, but perhaps I just ought to thank her – all I can hope is that yesterday will not prove to be an anomaly, but instead an opportunity to create a lovely, lasting friendship.  I could write much more about this girl, and maybe sometime I will, but now is not that time.  I am still trying to relive seeing her yesterday, for she is such a beautiful person – one whom I do not think I could ever completely forget.

Thanks for reading, I will try to make the next post more cohesive, but I did want to get a few things out right now.  Hopefully someone finds this readable.

Best!

-Paul

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4 thoughts on “Final day of summer”

  1. Thanks for bringing me along for the journey 🙂 Sounds like you are in a discovering relationship with yourself?! I solute you. A place where you are observing with the least amount of attachment. A post is in order…..I work to do. Thanks for the inspiration

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  2. What sort of medication are you on for depression? I’m on Effexor and Wellbutrin and they don’t make you impaired…or at least I don’t think so. Have you tried any others? Sorry I know that is sort of a personal thing so no need to reply. Hope things start improving for you 🙂

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    1. I have been on Wellbutrin before, never effexor but similar ones. I am on a combo of 4 different medications currently. Prozac, Abilify, Lamictal and Lithium. I am not a fan of psychiatric medication after my long and still current experience with the practice, ideology and drugging procedures. I ought to write about this as I have done so extensively in personal journals and such but never publicly. Actually, I wrote near 20 pages on the moral impressibility of psychiatric drug company advertising and effects which maybe someone on here would be interested in reading.

      If anyone is please feel free to let me know!

      Thanks,

      -Paul

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