Nothing but a blank page in front of me, a blank mind inside of me and an ugly world outside of me. What a way to be!
Promises – my promise to myself? Is to be well – in every sense of the word! I want to be whole, complete, I want to be One not many shattered pieces. Depression sucks, this is a “no shit” kind of statement. But what sucks even more is giving up – and I am not one to do such a dastardly thing. I am too great to quit. Not in the sense of too big to fail, but rather I am everything I have and all that I have. My existence is the only “thing” that is truly mine – or at least mostly so. I did not create me physically, but in many ways I have created myself in all other aspects, at least to a certain extent.
I would say I don’t wanna cry no more, but I haven’t cried in years. I would say a lot of things, if only I knew my mind well enough to actually know what it is I would say. No?
I believe in the future, maybe, but I believe in the present more. Although I cannot understand the present, perhaps doing so would defeat the purpose. If nothing else, would understanding the present not take the fun out of life? There would never be such thing as a surprise or a misunderstanding – good or bad.
Back to what I intended to discuss – depression; specifically my depression or my experience with what is commonly called depression, I think you get my point?
I do, before anything else, want to jot down a few things in a reflection of sorts from what my friend Julien wrote so nicely. Funny how one can write beautifully about a naturally ugly topic, but yes it can be done. The song “Float On” by Modest Mouse just popped up on Pandora, how fitting!
So yes, reflections on the relationship between depression and “medication,” upon which Julien raises the superb question of essentially asking what does this dynamic really mean, what is the significance of taking a pill or pills to “cure” or “treat” a mental “illness.” Now, please keep in mind the world we live in these days. I cannot help but think I might be in more “trouble” if I was “happy-happy” all the time when such atrocities occur daily.
Is it possible for one to be truly happy amidst all the death and destruction?
I wonder, I really do, for if you are anything like me, you probably have a natural, general concern for humanity – friends, family, and even complete strangers. So then how can one be joyous when his brothers and sisters are sick, dying, dead and hungry? How – is this even a real possibility?
Sure there can be moments, and should be moments, of happiness – but only when appropriate. But collectively and individually, I would say we ought to be at least somewhat depressed! This may sound a little ‘out-there’ at first, but think about it. We live in an ugly world, with lots of stuff to be very sad or depressed about, so how can one go around being all happy? Is happiness sustainable in this day and age? How so or why? I am not sure…
But back to the question of medication, for one let us consider this: what is the medication supposed to heal? The obvious answer may be the patient, duh! But what is so wrong with the patient? I mean, for me personally I had plenty of reasons to be depressed and very few, at least in my mind, to be happy. This is all without mentioning I was just a teenager from a small town entering a much larger regionalized high school trying to find his way in this thing called life.
But really, what does medication suggest? What are its implications? And even that of treatment in general? Let me throw this out there. What if the “problem” is not within me? What if the problem is “out there” with the world I mean? Or perhaps a mixture of both but either way, a sizeable portion goes to the outside world as opposed to everything that is wrong being inside of me, or you, or whomever. What about that? What if we are generally thinking the wrong way? Granted I am stating this because I am not one to simply blame my problems to the outside world disregarding any potential faults of my own but rather the polar opposite. I have spent the past five plus years attempting to fix inner faults, but what if I am not the problem? For that is what is suggested in mental health circles – you are the problem, you need fixing, take these pills talk to this professional and you will get better. Well, what if the problem very much also arises from outside of myself? How come that seems to be such an impossibility? Why is this not considered? This would yield a totally different perspective.
For one, I have held the question for quite some time now that how can a fellow human being tell another human being that their mind is sick, or ill, or that their thoughts are inappropriate or wrong? I am very, very uncertain any fellow human has such an ability, at least in the context I am talking about. I mean, who are you to know so much better? How can I be so wrong?
Then, beyond this, they offer a “solution” – they somehow “know” how to fix “it.” This is absurd if you ask me. This is a large part of the reason why I am so determined to get off of all my medication, absolutely so. There is no doubt in my mind that until I am off the pills, and able to get “into” my Self then no meaningful or lasting healing will occur. I mean, excuse my French, but I cannot fucking think my own thoughts or feel my own damn emotions! This is atrocious! This is sick!
All I know is that I am about to acquaint myself to my Self very soon. I cannot wait to meet him. This is not crazy talk as much as it may sound like it. I have not been “me” my entire young adult life. That’s pretty disgusting but I try not to dwell. Cannot change the past right? I just got to keep moving forward, even if its just inches at a time.
I know I will get there, for on some very deep level I have a Knowing that I will live, I will be well, and I will get on with my fucking life!
That my friends, is the aim, the goal, and the future, for this much I know is true.
Although I think I said it before, the medication assumes I am the problem. However, what if part or possibly all of the cause of the problem lies outside of my head? What then, is the purpose of medicating me while the problem persists outside of me creating a perpetual dependence on something I do not need, but rather need to do without in order to work on solving the real problems? Dammit I think I am onto something – I have been onto something big for years but I am still piecing together the puzzle so to speak.
Thanks for reading!