I don’t want to wait in vain


(for your love) says Bob Marley, (and me).  I actually am quite tired of waiting in general, although waiting is not the best word to use here.  I am not exactly waiting around for the world, or even just my world, to change but at the same time I hesitate to say I am actively pursuing change with full force either.  There I am, somewhere in between.

To over simplify I am about halfway there so to speak.  I, more or less, know what I need to do to change my world, so lets start there.  I have the will and even perhaps the way but I now need to take action.  As my prior readers probably know, I suffer from depression.  I have been diagnosed as depressed for the past five plus years.  I do not want to dwell too much on my depression right now per say, although I do still want to let a few things out.  I apologize in advance if any of this is redundant from my previous post, but if so, it bears repeating.  Also, please do not think I am going to turn this blog into a sob story where I just vent my problems, and so on, because that is NOT happening.  Please recognize this depression thing is a gigantic part of my life so thus is very important to me.  If you are not interested then simply do not read this post, and wait for the next one which will almost surely be about something non-related to mental health and well being.

Okay so on with the post…

I do not want to wait in vain – I am tired of waiting, for the lack of a better word – stalling may be more accurate.  Although this time period may turn out to be in vain, but only if I allow it to.  In other words, if I fail to act then I can expect the same result.  This is not to say that I just sit on my bum at home all day, but at the same time there are things I can be doing to improve myself and feel better in general.  However, I would like to tackle the underlying problem now, or very soon, as opposed to making relatively minor changes even if they are for the better.

My problem is the treatment!  How about that, huh?  They very stuff that is supposed to ‘make me better’ is the culprit of a lot of my problems.  I realize the  “medication” is not the cause of my depression or anxiety initially, for I was not always on the stuff as in before I sought treatment I was not on any psychiatric  “medication.”  Therefore I would say my depression had more natural or organic causes.  Basically, I just do not want to blame EVERYTHING on the  “medication.”  Rather I know the  drugs affect me in a negative way.

I am numb.  Emotionally and mentally, as well as spiritually, numb – as in no feeling.  I am a walking dead man if you will.  Perhaps a robot or a mindless, heartless drone is more applicable.  But in any case, you get the point.  This whole scenario is a direct cause from the  “medications” that I consume on a twice daily basis.  There is no doubt in any part of my mind that this is the case.  Furthermore, this claim is, actually, heavily supported by science, so I am by no means concocting some off the wall theory.  If you are unsure of these words then please do some honest research or just talk with me.  Anyway, long story short, I need to get of these pills.  This is not in question, not anymore.

This conclusion has taken years and years to realize.  I by no means just decided overnight to stop taking the pills.  Quite the contrary, I have spent countless hours researching and reading to better inform my self about the condition I presumably suffer from.  This is not even to mention all of my personal experience with my self and others including top notch professionals in the fields of psychiatry and psychology.

But yes, I am not about to wait in vain.  My world is obviously not going to just change on its own – I must go to the source, which is of course, me.

I must prepare myself to embark on a journey that is the rest of my life!  Yes this is that big.  And no, I will not wait in vain!

 

 

Thanks for reading, sorry for ranting, have a great rest of your day!

Best,

-Paul

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6 thoughts on “I don’t want to wait in vain”

    1. Okay, first I am sorry to hear this, but secondly thank you for reaching out.

      I know for myself, these struggles have definitely shaped the man I am becoming today. Maybe you have similar experience? Regardless, I would appreciate talking to you about this as well – whenever and however you think is best.

      Thank you!

      -Paul

      Like

  1. The SSRIs made me numb. I never felt anything on them and had suicidal ideations. So I can imagine what you’re going through somewhat. I’m on an SNRI and SDRI now that are working nicely. Depression definitely bites. I didn’t get rid of mine without a tonne of therapy since it was mainly from family dysfunction.

    Good luck!

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    1. Thank you for the well wishes! I have been on quite a wide variety of medications – various ones and combos for the past 5+ years. I am sorry to hear about your family issues, although we all have them, but I am glad you have found a helpful therapist.

      Best of luck in your journey, and feel free to stop by and message me about whatever.

      I look forward to getting to know you and your story a bit more.

      Best,

      -Paul

      Like

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