Ah well, you have been warned. This post is going to be personal and at the very least mildly depressing. And I am not one to use the word depression lightly or inappropriately for I have been labeled as “depressed” for the past 5 plus years of my life. That is, if you can count these past five or six years as me being alive. Living maybe, but not alive – definitely not alive!
I would cry if I could, but I cannot feel my own heart – do you have any idea how disturbing that is? My heart, my mind, are foreign entities with which I seem to be totally disconnected from. The real zinger is that since my drug or medication-induced apathy is so strong that I do not seem to really care. Of course, I care on some remote level or else I would not be able to write such words. However, I feel or experience myself as a mindless, heartless drone. I am mechanical in essence, I run through my day to day motions without living! This is inhumane, atrocious and disgusting – and I am only 21 years old. What does the future hold?
Fortunately I believe in the future, probably because my present and past are not so good!
Apathy is arguably worse than full on depression itself for in the latter instance, at least you are feeling something! I feel nothing!! I cannot even say I ‘feel’ a void – there is just a complete absence of feeling or emotion altogether. If this is not suffering, I do not know what is!
I do not mean to say “I do not want to live anymore,” for I just mean I am exhausted of this pseudo-living, this barely-there existence. I have never ever been suicidal, nor will I ever be. That much I can promise. I am mostly pointing this out because I do not want any concerned reader to worry – I am in no present danger of harming myself or anyone else.
Well, now let me balance this mess out by getting a bit more positive:
Although I am essentially mentally and emotionally dead, I am at least physically alive – which I guess is enough to qualify as ‘living’ these days? Anyway. I am about to at last finish my associates degree this Fall semester. (Finally!). Much more importantly is that I am seriously considering taking steps to, alas, fix myself. I do not really like that phrase, fix myself, but it works for now. The problem is due fixing since the problem is basically the supposed ‘solution.’ That is, I need to rid my body of the “medication.” I have done extensive research and reading, not to mention introspection and learning, that my conclusion is solid and not bound to falter easily. In other words, I realize people are going to disagree with me, even my parent(s), so I am trying to prepare myself for that. However, much more significantly, I need to get myself ready to WAKE UP. I honestly have only distant memories of the real me, the true Paul.
Sadly, as mentioned, these memories are distant and in fact, this process of withdrawal from dependence of psychotropic medication will allow myself to be introduced to me, or vice versa, whatever makes more sense. I do not know who I am – not even talking on a deep philosophical level, which is more obviously a bit of a mystery – or what the experience of fully Being will be like. In fact, this is rather exciting and a pretty noble goal if you ask me.
Perhaps the hardest part is also the most meaningful, or at least worth doing – that is getting off of the pills and on with my life. I am not overgeneralizing here, these damn pills have a plethora of affects and not many of which, if any actually, are ‘good’ I guess, I am scared. I fear removing what has been such a central and at times overwhelming part of my life. Ridding of the medication is much more than just not refilling prescriptions. There are just so many GOOD ramifications! But back to what I was trying to say, ridding of the drugs will open up my life completely and totally – I will be liberated, I WILL BE FREE!!!
No I am not crazy in saying the day the chemicals are fully removed from my system, I will be liberated in a gigantic sense. This will be the most freeing experience, for I have tried this before but this second time I see will be an everlasting success. I cannot visualize another option – i.e. I do not plan on resuming the medication after I am completely withdrawn, safely.
I cannot stress enough how big this is for me. This is nothing short of life changing – and believe me, change is most needed. Ha, I honestly hold the picture of me in a Superman outfit beating my chest! Really though, it is THAT big! It is colossal. I call this movement the TRANSFORMATION – for I cannot think of more appropriate terminology.
Well, Starbucks is closing in less than 10 minutes, so I will have to use that as my poor excuse to take a break. There is much, much more to be said on the subject, trust me.