Man’s search for meaning, or my search for feeling


I am unable to feel, my thoughts nor my emotions.  Essentially, I am a robot, or a drone.  I do not experience my consciousness – it has gone on a semi-permanent vacation with no postcards or anything sent my way, not to mention a return date.  On the bright side, I (still) have hope – although I cannot feel it, the hope is very much there.  The hope is more like a knowledge, I know “getting better” is programmed into my fate, its in my destiny, simply because I am going to make it happen.  Soon.  Very, very soon.

This day will be a personal holiday, a grandeur personal victory and accomplishment, similar to beating cancer; mental, emotional and spiritual cancer.  I wrote in my newly purchased journal that depression is an existential crisis – which is a conclusion I stand by very wholeheartedly.  I intend to spread this message, my message, my story and my Truth.  I am no angel, I do not believe in what most people call “God” but I am, learning to become, more spiritual.  I believe in the human condition, the human spirit, the spirit of life, and so forth.  I believe in life, I believe in love and I believe in the Future almost as much as the Present, which is the ultimate gift.

I am going to call my process of withdrawing from psychiatric medication and tapering onto the rest of my life the Transformation – for I cannot think of a more accurate word.  My life is going to change for the better so much in the next six or so months than ever before.  A miracle of sorts is about to unfold. I am going to create my own miracle, with the help of others of course, but I am the initiator, author, the thinker and the doer.  The doer is probably the most essential part of course, but all aspects are crucial as far as I am concerned.

I take a lot of medication, I am not happy about his, but this is also true.  The withdrawal process will take at least a minimum of four or five months if done right – and trust me, this time, it will be done the right way.  I fully intend to relinquish my dependence of prescribed drugs forever.  This is a bold statement I realize, especially considering my history of religiously taking pills daily for five plus years.  Shit.  Well, I need to press pause and hit the bathroom thanks to the coffee(s).

More to come.  Thanks for reading.

Best,

-Paul

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2 thoughts on “Man’s search for meaning, or my search for feeling”

  1. I’ve been there several times. It’s a horrible place where you feel so inadequately numb. So under stimulated, just so bored (for lack of better word). I always compare it to the feeling of perpetually drowning. I’ve always tried to figure out a way to reach people when they’re in this state of mind. I know all I wanted was for someone to come down, into this ugly little world I created for myself, and rescue me. No one just really knew how and it wasn’t their fault, they were trying. Ultimately the only person who can get you out is yourself. Though I’m not entirely convinced of the last statement, myself.

    However, whenever I feel like I’m back, there is always the danger that I’ll relapse. I’ve pretty much accepted that’s it’s going to happen, at this point, I’m just waiting for it. I’ve written myself a myriad of letters, to myself, telling me the symptoms, telling me how to behave around my friends and family so I don’t upset them, telling me what my exact thought processes were that made me feel better. I encourage you to do the same. You always forget what it feels like when you rejoin the world again. When you relapse you only realise, in hindsight, why it happened. Perhaps this way you can guard yourself or, if you’re too far gone, at least make the experience pass quicker.

    Though, as you very insightfully say, depression is an existential crisis. Perhaps this is why those who have been through it seem to come out with a more realistic and objective view of the world (I just speak anecdotally, here). Those who come out of it seem to be more empathic. I’ve personally always thought of it as a way to rebuild my mind into something better.

    It’s very refreshing to see that you’ve managed to accept the idea of hope even though you can’t feel it. Most people, in your position, dismiss its presence as something entirely intangible. I hope that it gives you the strength to plough through. It’s good to see you feel strong enough to want to come off the medication as well. You look like you’re well on your way to getting back to your life and you seem like you’re doing everything right. So all I can say is good luck to you and though I’m a random stranger on the internet, for some reason I feel like we’ve been through the same shit, so if you ever need to talk, I’m here!

    Natasha

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    1. Natasha, I cannot thank you enough for reading this and then taking the time to write what you did. I have found it immensely difficult to find other people, especially younger ones, that can even remotely relate to me and my world without sounding like a complete, for the lack of a better term, nutcase.

      I have been through so much, and in fact I plan on writing a book on my journey once I am in a better place in my life to do so. I have sporadically kept journals of sorts, so some of the writing is presumably already done.

      Yes, hope, I you are right I cannot feel it, but I know its there and really do not know what I would do without it. I have always, thankfully, carried the determined attitude that I will pull through, whatever it takes, and win this “war.” I have no doubt, to this day, 5+ years later, that I am closer than ever to getting out of this realm of depression and medication to sustainable, vibrant living.

      I simply cannot fathom holding a belief that I am eternally doomed – perhaps because I am no longer severely depressed, or maybe I just Know otherwise. I also know wholeheartedly that I am going to come out of all this a much stronger, empathetic and more whole person.

      I hope you can receive some of my gratitude through my words, and I would like nothing more to keep in frequent contact with you. Please, do not be a stranger to my blog, to my writing and most of all, do not estrange yourself from me – you are not alone in feeling some sort of connection whether it be through typed words via the internet or whatever, there is a mutual understanding here.

      Best,

      -Paul

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