I am unable to feel, my thoughts nor my emotions. Essentially, I am a robot, or a drone. I do not experience my consciousness – it has gone on a semi-permanent vacation with no postcards or anything sent my way, not to mention a return date. On the bright side, I (still) have hope – although I cannot feel it, the hope is very much there. The hope is more like a knowledge, I know “getting better” is programmed into my fate, its in my destiny, simply because I am going to make it happen. Soon. Very, very soon.
This day will be a personal holiday, a grandeur personal victory and accomplishment, similar to beating cancer; mental, emotional and spiritual cancer. I wrote in my newly purchased journal that depression is an existential crisis – which is a conclusion I stand by very wholeheartedly. I intend to spread this message, my message, my story and my Truth. I am no angel, I do not believe in what most people call “God” but I am, learning to become, more spiritual. I believe in the human condition, the human spirit, the spirit of life, and so forth. I believe in life, I believe in love and I believe in the Future almost as much as the Present, which is the ultimate gift.
I am going to call my process of withdrawing from psychiatric medication and tapering onto the rest of my life the Transformation – for I cannot think of a more accurate word. My life is going to change for the better so much in the next six or so months than ever before. A miracle of sorts is about to unfold. I am going to create my own miracle, with the help of others of course, but I am the initiator, author, the thinker and the doer. The doer is probably the most essential part of course, but all aspects are crucial as far as I am concerned.
I take a lot of medication, I am not happy about his, but this is also true. The withdrawal process will take at least a minimum of four or five months if done right – and trust me, this time, it will be done the right way. I fully intend to relinquish my dependence of prescribed drugs forever. This is a bold statement I realize, especially considering my history of religiously taking pills daily for five plus years. Shit. Well, I need to press pause and hit the bathroom thanks to the coffee(s).
More to come. Thanks for reading.