Trapped in Starbucks…


So I am trapped in the local Starbucks due to some rather severe thunderstorms occurring outside (and my windows are slightly cracked…great).  Why not make another post?  About what, I am not quite sure, so maybe this will just a be series of rambles that will hopefully make some sort of sense, and even if not, perhaps someone will enjoy reading them anyway.

On a more personal note, although I realize the “blogosphere” may not be the ideal place to “vent,” but nonetheless this is happening.  Of course I would much prefer talking directly to a friend about some of this, but that is my point exactly, I do not seem to have good friends, with the exception two who will not be named, but should already know whom they are without a direct shout out.  (Hint:  one reads my blog!)

But anyway, I came to the realization just recently that I have officially lost all of my high school friends.  I am now 21, turning 22 this November, and I do not hear from or keep in any sort of regular contact with anyone from high school!  Not that I was the most popular guy to ever walk the halls, but I always had a decent number of friends whom I would talk to daily, or at least a few times a week, and hang out with, and so on.  But, although I was expecting this to a degree, over the past couple of years I have lost contact with just about everyone from my youth.  That is a scary, and quite saddening thought – one I am not too proud of, but is true nonetheless.

Perhaps the most disheartening loss is that of my two best friends, one in particular, that I have told something extremely personal to and trusted to keep them available to me in the sense that I could call on them, whatever the time, if need be.  But, I am no longer confident in this ability since we do not talk.

Facebook – a blessing and, more of, a curse in my experience anyway.  I guess this could sound rather pathetic, but a defining moment was when I viewed a picture of my two former best friends, with others, having a great time up in Rochester where my buddy goes to school and I guess lives now, not that I know for a fact.

I guess Facebook has been a source of many things, but among them, sadness.  Speaking of sadness, I am no stranger!  More on that later, not necessarily this post, but in the future I am certain.  Since I am not the popular party goer frat boy that everybody loves type of guy, I have missed out on a lot of what high school – and I guess social graces in general – deem “good” or “expected” social happenings and/or appearances.  I mean, I have about 75 photos on my page that has been up for years, compared to the hundreds or even thousands other people have.  I do not really care about this so much as I care that I have not had those types of experiences.  I have very good reason – medical reasons – as to why you will not be able to find pictures of me drunk at 3am falling over a bush outside of someone’s dorm or apartment.  The absence of an invitation is never a good feeling, especially when accompanied by the distinct expectation that you should have been invited.

Yes, sometimes I feel socially retarded or challenged maybe to be more politically correct – although the truth is really that I am not at all.  I am unique, “different” and I know that – although I was never the weird loner kid with the wolf tee shirts per say – and I am learning to like this too.  However, it does not always help me in social situations I suppose, but that too is okay.  All I want is a group of friends, I am not and possibly cannot name a number exactly, but at least 5 close buddies at a minimum to start, with a considerably larger, greater social circle of people that I can talk to and spend time with on at least a somewhat regular or consistent basis.  Is that too much to ask?

I will admit, I spend waaay too much time alone, this is sad, and cannot be good for my spirits or well being.  However, this is also very true and undeniably so.  But when there are only two people you spend time with, making plans is difficult and finding new things to do, around where I live, is also very much a challenge.  I just do not understand why – why this is such a problem/so hard?  I have been told, from people other than my mother, I am a very nice and likable guy – two attributes I would say are crucial and even quite helpful for befriending others.

I am going to bar myself from going on a lengthy rant as to why making friends should not be as hard as it is, apparently, for me – even now as a 21 year old college student.  Nor am I going to list all of the attributes I possess that make a good potential friend.  The purpose of this post is simply to write something a bit more personal, and to essentially have a conversation with whomever may read this or just the world wide web in at large to get some things off of my chest so to speak.  For lately, especially after coming to the conclusion about losing my last two high school friends, I am realizing this summer kinda sucks.

Please do not get me wrong, I love and always look forward to the summer time, but this season has not been all that great.  I lost two jobs, only one of which was at all my fault, did nothing notable for a little while, and decided to take a summer class which just started a couple of weeks ago.  On the bright side, I am doing something good for myself – being the class – but besides that I do not have much else to say about what I did or accomplished over the summer.  I am a pretty goal-oriented guy and in order to be doing well I need to be accomplishing feats, typically school related or earning money or something along those lines.  Well actually, there are a couple of other things I am proud of in regard to the last couple of months.  I started this blog for one!  I would really like to reach a larger audience, but perhaps with time.  I have been reading a lot!  Which is great, and is always a good sign if I am reading for personal interest.  I am trying – at least somewhat successfully – to keep up with the (real) news.  I have played some basketball – despite what probably is some sort of knee injury.  I have spent some good time with my two friends, including the one I just recently met this past semester.  Oh, and I have been to two concerts with her – both Marley related i.e. Ziggy Marley one night and then The Wailers band another – my first two real concerts I think!

So in short, there are a few things to be proud of and thankful for – so I should not cut myself completely short.  That being said, there is much yet to be done.  Now, I want to be clear when saying there is much, much more to life than just being productive!  I think a lot, I read and write a lot, and most of all I am very aware – of myself and my surroundings.  I am a philosopher – not just in an academic sense either.

Well now the rain has stopped, I might move on to something else for I have been stranded at the ‘bucks for hours now, no complaints though!

Thank you for reading,

-P

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4 thoughts on “Trapped in Starbucks…”

  1. I closed my Facebook account all the way back in Feb this year. I did not see the point of having 100+ friends but no real connection with any one of them. There used to be a time I had several best friends, people I thought would love me forever, people I still have feelings for. The betrayal and hurt I felt when I realised that I was forgotten, stays with me to this day even though it has been more than a decade. Accepting that I was not as important to them as they were to me is very difficult. I tend to be very wary of new relationships now. And frankly, layering everything with the sugar society expects, is very tiring and annoying. But man does it get lonely. Trying to make friends when you are older really sucks. Like you, I too wish I had a small clique of friends I could trust. Just a few of the 7 billion people in the world who would “get” me. Who would have my back. Who would listen to me bitch without judgement. Who would pick up their phone when they see it’s me even though it’s 3 a.m. in the morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I have thought about closing my account as well, although, as silly as this may seem, I guess there is still a part of me that sort of fantasizes about keeping past friendships alive, or at least possible. I somehow feel connected, if remotely, to my virtual friends – granted I am not delusional, I realize most of the people on there I am no longer, or never was, friends with. So why then do I keep it? I guess fear of losing contact with these people I have some hope of friendship with. I have lost many friends over the years, ever since high school started up until now it seems I have had trouble finding even just one or two people to count on indefinitely.

      Like you, I just want people to understand me, or at least make genuine attempts at trying to do so. I just want to feel needed by others, friends, besides just my Mom and brother, ya know?

      Losing a friend is always hard, and realizing it is a tough pill to swallow. I definitely agree.

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      1. It is not silly at all, actually it makes total sense to me. The only reason I ever opened and kept my account for as long as I did, is because I wanted a connection, however tenuous, to the people who once meant the world to me. Even now I struggle with the decision, I ask myself whether being on the periphery of their lives was better than just nothing. I just got tired of waiting for them to realize I still exist.

        I know what you mean by wanting to be needed. It would feel a whole lot better if their world collapsed without me in it ! (LOL). I sometimes wonder why it is that I miss them and they don’t miss me. I hate being stuck when they have moved on.

        It boggles my mind, that there are billions of people in the world and yet I feel so utterly alone.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I too know just what you mean, I just try not to get stuck on it – like why, out off all the billions of people, can I not find just a few to spend meaningful time with, get to know, and try to understand…I don’t know, so I just keep searching, hoping I will find “them” eventually. What else can I do?

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